untitled

I've got these reverse waterfalls
in my eyes, this racing thought
that multiplies with progress
I've got a hope on a lie
in this shimmering golden
sunlight on backyard grass
Misplaced myself again
but I still have my key
shredded down metal
Racing around and I
pound out the paranoia
through looking eyes
reverse waterfall sighs

9.10.11

Body worn from
the g's I thrown
Chemicals and
ideas, all these
thoughts travel
so god damned
quick I can't
keep up, even
in relaxation
I'm a nervous
flame on fire
I'm that anti
panic attack
That subtle
charm or
charade, I
breathe air
empty air
empty as
I am now

8.15.11

I'm cut off that
selfish breed
I'm cut from
misfires and
miswires, a
past I can't
make worse
A faith that
was baptised
in lost of this
purity I never
had, now I
walk and
shake to
realize who
I was then
Looking
forward
is too bright
for these
dilated eyes
or skin that
holds these
veins too
tight, mirrors
of me I try
to be, I try
truth to see

fragile

Hit a stride at a regular life
shaking hands and saying
hello to anyone with a smile
Darker souls have infected
my fear turning quicker than
turbines of jets, my circuits
exposed, burns ignored
I'm slipping away and
don't have a grip to start
stranded without a signal
I could send to the stars
All alone in this abyss
where the echoes play
and the shadows bend
to the sounds of the
bleeding intestines of
my holiest keeper

7.29.09

Almost my next pill
been up ever since
my fault, my ways
my liars daydreams
The sun peaks through
the color pencil skies
greys shaded right
to left, black shaded
up to down and I'm
sitting here, waiting
for them to go away
two o clock, tiny
pill swallowed and
hope normalcy
returns, enters or
just leaves me
to my old ways

"The Happiest Day" by Poe

Edgar Allan Poe

"The Happiest Day"

The happiest day -- the happiest hour
        My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,
      The highest hope of pride and power,
        I feel hath flown.

      Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;
        But they have vanish'd long, alas!
      The visions of my youth have been-
        But let them pass.

      And, pride, what have I now with thee?
        Another brow may even inherit
      The venom thou hast pour'd on me
        Be still, my spirit!

      The happiest day -- the happiest hour
        Mine eyes shall see -- have ever seen,
      The brightest glance of pride and power,
        I feel- have been:

      But were that hope of pride and power
        Now offer'd with the pain
      Even then I felt -- that brightest hour
        I would not live again:

      For on its wing was dark alloy,
        And, as it flutter'd -- fell
      An essence -- powerful to destroy
        A soul that knew it well.

The Conqueror Worm by Edgar Allan Poe

The Conqueror Worm

by Edgar Allan Poe
(published 1843)

  

Lo! 'tis a gala night
   Within the lonesome latter years!
An angel throng, bewinged, bedight
   In veils, and drowned in tears,
Sit in a theatre, to see
   A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
   The music of the spheres.
Mimes, in the form of God on high,
   Mutter and mumble low,
And hither and thither fly-
   Mere puppets they, who come and go
At bidding of vast formless things
   That shift the scenery to and fro,
Flapping from out their Condor wings
   Invisible Woe!

That motley drama- oh, be sure
   It shall not be forgot!
With its Phantom chased for evermore,
   By a crowd that seize it not,
Through a circle that ever returneth in
   To the self-same spot,
And much of Madness, and more of Sin,
   And Horror the soul of the plot.

But see, amid the mimic rout
   A crawling shape intrude!
A blood-red thing that writhes from out
   The scenic solitude!
It writhes!- it writhes!- with mortal pangs
   The mimes become its food,
And seraphs sob at vermin fangs
   In human gore imbued.

Out- out are the lights- out all!
   And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
   Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
   Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
   And its hero the Conqueror Worm. 

Synapse

Body melt head spin
falling into the abyss
It's be ok, It's be
fine, everything
in it's phase and
time, the wind
blows cool
to the skin
and muscles
numb to relax
to relax, to
relax while
the thunder
climbs through
the head, synapse
collaboration, brain
trait, brain bath
Collapse

NSFW ADULT ONLY THIS SHOULD BE ON AMERICAS GOT TALENT

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Ruiner

Judgement from another
truth be told, i could
usually let this bounce
and fall off like another
ignorant word but it's
affected, changed,
A ruiner in tiny words
Not knowing me and
you through your
cautious judgments
to me, turn the page
and I want to see
under your skin
deep within your
tissue to see who
you are, judge you
but I'm not like you

Crumbling

This anxiety crumbles
before me, between
the ups and downs
While this creeping
depression disease
keeps pulling me
drowning me and
sinking me into
the insecure waters
My lighthouse in
the fog is dimmer
and dimmer while
I collapse a lung
Trying to breathe
isnt' so easy today
trying to  be isn't
so befitting of me
lately, but I try
and fail, fail and
fall again, asking
why could anyone
really love me

Congrats to our USA soccer women!

The women's world cup has been amazing this year. The brazil game was nail biting, we took out france. Now it's on to play Sweden or Japan. I can't wait!

ranbling

I love you more than the moon and stars and planets. I love your eyes, your beautiful smile, the twinkle in your eyes, and the life you breathe into me. You are so full of love, caring, life, excitmenet that's it's hard to not talk to you days. I'm sorry if I'm a bit obsessive but that's how it is. When you're in my arms falling asleep it was the most tranquility I've ever felt. You move mountains for me angel and I want to move mountains for you. I want to be a better person. Your beauty inspires me, your intellect intimidates me(you are one smart cookie) and your emptathy will be something I always desire. I love you. I really wanted to say this. IT's jumbled and not poetic but I wanted to let you know. I love you.

Fathom

Fallen into a relapse
between happy
and insecureness
It seems so easy
You tell me it's
so god damned
easy but it's not
Bloody fingertips
Got these scars
to remind me
that not everything
is just ok, not
everything can
be ignored like
people think
I pray to my
angels and
sometimes,
just sometimes
those shadows
still talk to me
Paranoid desires
and my heart is
a million miles
from here, so
fucking far from
here, just want
to sleep it off
Just want to
break myself
into two, this
shell cracked
reality I'm based
on, shedding skin
once again, ripping
this cocoon off me
to be again, just
to fucking be
once and for all

Untitled

A fluttered heart
between these
butterflies and
beats shared with
a green eyed
goddess, shake
from a touch and
I'm flown away
from this land
IT's just you
and me honey
flying away through
the clies of this
night sky, embraced
and breathing in each
others tune, a love
that time is getting
caught up on, an
eternal passion
set a blaze, gazing
int your beautiful
eyes that I now
dream off, embraced
and breathing in
each other's tune,
heartbeats play
tune to our sighs
I'll love you forever

Through the Stars

Soaring, between sad
and love, between
the love of my life
happened to appear
angelic beauty, love
humbles me to my
knees, makes me
feel alive once again
makes me feel, I'm
a man again, my
best friend, love,
angel wings hold me
all day, all night and
she's here with me
as I sleep, in dreams
together and forever
My heart beats a fragile
rhythm of hers, one and
forever, I'll always love
her soaring hand in hand
through our own stars

Irrationality

I got to spent the 29-2 this July with my honey. It was quite magikal although a lot of sleeping went on. We got out to do somethings as well. I seriously missed being couple and cuddling with someone that felt so absolute right. It was echanting, surreal and otherworldly given how this came to be. I was in a seriously awesome place.

Yesterday was chill and good minus her leaving to head home. I know I'm like this but I get sad then some technical issues came out today. I went on my irrationally scared what the fuck did I do wrong tantrum and went to sad in no time. Still working on it and we've cleared it all up now. Just reminds me of how sometimes something so insignificant can fly me into a paranoid trap within myself and I hate it. Yes, codependency is sort of me.

So now it's self medicate, pills and booze, hoping I have enough to maintain till I at least get this is off my dwelling mind. It's so silly when I think about it but my insecurities seem to be at a very high point. Whereas they shouldn't be after this beautiful weekend with her. I feel like my crazy is vaguely under control again. I have a group of cats sitting my me on my living room taking care of me. They are all my nurses I think.

Anyway, wonderful week over till today over a glitch. I guess. Still confused at what happened to be honest and I still feel a need to pass it. So some benzos and sailor jerry is the rx today. Blech.

Signed, the clumsy codependent

Update

Sorry for no writing. I've been sort of in a writer's block, leveling out on meds and now anxiously waiting my honeys arrival into town. I've been busy with games I need to review but still that writer's block is keeping me from it.

Good news though, tomorrow starts the Uncharted 3 multiplayer beta. That will help with the anticipation till Wednesday. :)

Odd Dream 6.14.11

So odd dream again.  I was at a local store and the owner couldn't make it some dance he was planning on. He gave me the tickets and it turns out it was Xenomorph. I believe it said ballet by it so I'm way confused. So aliens via dance? Odd huh?

Thank You

There's this electrical storm
within these veins of mine
Dreams like no other
I've had with you this day
I'm getting better and
I see the sun set peeking
through the stormy clouds
My heart beats with words
whispered from your lips
I have a new song to sing
thanks to you, my stars
above, my love, my life
You are my everything
and I'm getting better
Working on ok, working
on a new day, whistling
to our song, our love
This electrical storm is
calming and I have you
to thank for all of this

Odd dream 6.10.11

I have a reoccurring odd dream. I know this is at least the 2nd time I've had it. I'm at  a fucking huge mall(guess this is a nightmare?) with someone I don't recognize. 'm supposed to deliver this notebook. to something or someone.The first time I recall I wound up delivering this although a storm was setting in. I don't deliver it this time and people start imploding to this golden brown dust spews out when they implode.Explode? Something to that degree. Something happens before it in a hotel looking place but it's blurry like the first time. 


Odd or maybe just too many playstation 3 games? lol

A month of silence

So it's been around a month and after some honesty on my end, a new med seems to work. The only noticeable side effect is problems sleeping but with melatonin that seems to be conquored. It's been a battle with 18 years off chasing shadows and self esteem break downs. A battle of depression and anxiety. I know its not over but it can be managed. This is the first time I've felt hopeful about a med in a long time.

5.23.11

They can feel me

when I drift off

to sleep, they

hear me breathe

In the corners

the shadows

play around with

my head, dripping

tissue from bone

My family is here

They can hear

me think, plan

and disheartened

I've become in

all of this, life

between the

nightmares it is

Break me in two

and look within

The rot comes 

and goes but

the wounds ooze

eternally, drenched

in this plague, they

can feel me think

My family is here

in the corners of

this abandoned cell

Untitled

I've fallen back down
this path I've chose
over and over, again
and again, loveless
I am, falling deeper
into my own, this
mistake driven self
Close the door on
happiness once again
Life keeps coming
and I'm growing
older by the hour
missing your words
and eyes, missing
your hope but I'll
hold onto my alibis
Self abuse and all
Never worth much
Never could be
worthy of love
I've fallen back down
and I plan on staying
this time so I don't
wreck anything else
this time, again and
again it seems

Cigarette burn 3009

Made the worst mistake
I'll take the steak in
the heart and fucking
fade into oblivion
I'm fucking sad again
I wasn't, I wasn't
right? I guess I was
I see you making
devil shadows
out of me in my sleep
I'd hate to be wrong
but I'm burning
this awkward flesh
Thinking you'll save
me, thinking you'd
save me but I can't
ignore the times
I can't ignore you
don't give a fucking
shit about me
I'm in the worst
place in my life
again, guess it's
life, guess you never
cared, guess I never
felt anything, so quite
I remain always

Odd Dream 5.20.11

I had a really odd dream last night that freaked me the fuck out. It was one of those that felt like hours went by. I got a call on my cell phone telling me people I knew died. I went to look for them.Wound up with some really distorted looking mother fucker talking to me about murder and black magick in a really old school looking church place.


 He/It brought out the back of the building and the moon literally looked like it was bleeding. It was a really weird green "filtered" look outside and I believe it was storming, like hurricane style. Then(I can't remember what he/it was talking about and it's like the trees turned around. I recognized a few people from way back but some I didn't.


Some weird shadow thing came and cut I believe all their throats. Then whatever this thing is started some weird talking and the ground started to well, dissolve around us? I dunno, sort of sent me into a panic. Fucking weird shit.

Untitled

Hell, I've become a walking

contradiction, an alcoholic

and romantic, a devil and

angel, a mania and  crash

I'm everything and nothing

I'm got this void and these

little devils shouting over

each other with amplifiers

I'm tired of becoming

this person I can't be

I can't be this person

I want to be, now

or ever, it seems it's

just not in the cracks

in the flooring while

I bash my head to want

something I can never be

Hell, I've become a running

disbelief, a junkie and

mover and shaker, falling

between the shadowed 

lines of make belief and 

love I've felt my whole life

Never aligns just right

Brighter

Just when I was losing hope
fading into my own plans
You showed up, brighter
than I ever could imagine
Beautiful girl stay here by
my side throughout this life
Our embrace eternal, one
kiss and I'm on my knees
Loving you forever in time
forever in this life and the
next ones to come, souls
intertwined through this
wonderful cosmos we live
breathing your love in
exhaling future days with
a smile from ear to ear
Beautiful girl, you are
mine and I'm yours
I don't want to waste
any more time without
our souls intertwined
I love you more than
the words I know
Oh honey, I'll love you
in this life and the next
written in time forever

Morose

Cracking these mirrors within

I've got thirteen years of 

bad luck blood running in

these constricted veins

Fill myself with pain to reflect

Now I'm poisoned to these

broken bones, exposed

you are now and I'll sit

in my numbing clouds throne

Blank emotions draining

the will to live, to be, to 

fucking breathe in and out

I'm on a panic attack high

and I'm shaking with no

where to run to now, no

saving grace in my sight

So it's a fuck it all end game

Sickened at second sight

sickened at the thought

sickened by this plague

sickened by your words

sickened by your pain

Blackened by you and

I'm folding this time

sickened(dead inside)

Untitled

I felt the lightning spinning
within my soul, a crashing
constant that I only know
Understanding is in the
misconception of all this
I'm  taking a step back
to gather all this with
bleed tears and other
insistent memories fall
like the stars above that
I counted your breathes
on and I'm not sure
where I am, where I've
fallen this time but I
don't ever want to get
back up this time
Let me stay here with
angel songs and a
smile that cracks this
shell of me, breaks
the disease of me
I love you and I'm
never falling out

Splintered

Lies written on your eyes

keep me waiting, fucking

dissolving into this being

I'd hold up the moon

to protect anyone

From you this day

and I'm not taking shit

this time around, your

bullshit settles around

your neck tie and

I'm here, I'm here

to strangle you today

Breathe this in just

to let it all go, I'm

going to throw you

down and smother

you in suffer, disease

and plagues that 

I've endured, I'm

fucking face to

face with you and

I'm going to rip

you a part, piece

by piece till you

understand

this play isn't yours

on this day, caressing

your splintered bones

and coloring your 

tissue with blood

Desire

I feel the rhythm
of your breathe
on my neck(desire)
goosebumps and
my heart races
supercharger you
Accelerate and
you're lips are
so wet I'm dying
begging, this time
Bite your bottom
lip to confess
my sinners heart
I'm going in for
it all,loosing
myself in those
angel eyes that
glow devil green
Rhythm of you
your body, skin
becomes art and
I'm painting love
all over you
tonight, bite my
lip and I'm lost
in your scent
Lost in you
Desire

Prepense

Vibrations close these eyelids
heavy heart I walk beat to
these pieces from words
misplaced and separated
Vampires energy suck lust
and I'm a fallen devil with
time on my side, yeah, time
is on my side and I'm not
waiting much longer today
I clinch my fist, overdrive
Speeding that clock till
I feel your neck snap
between my fingers today
I'm not giving up, just
killing time, killing you
Repeating process is
just another routine

FML

Fuck. I should have listened to my gut. I am not a fucking social being. I am not even sure I am a fucking human being. I haven't had a storm of wrath  mixed with panic is a very long time. Sweat pouring from my palms and I all see is the place going up in flames. Or me with a fucking gun. Fuck all the bullshit normal people have to go through. Today I'd much rather be fucking dead than to deal with any of this shit. Fuck my life. Listen to your gut before you try to do something YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T.

Voro

Shadows set to devour
Sickening innocents
This plague is not
just my own, it seems
it's clearer than that
crystal I used to
see you decades ago
The petrification sets
Snapped my finger
bone to break, tissue
hanging from bone
A rage swelling like
a nose on a clown
Blood drips from
wrist to elbow, let's
wipe it clean and
rinse, repeat and
fuck it all again
Shadows cover
up the overcast
skies above, my
anger lost, in
this, this this, a
fucking death
sentence you gave
me hours ago

Clean

Quietly sitting
anticipation
between the
placebo and
truth, the lies
this delicate
heart on
those thin
razor wires
I've drawn
myself, just
myself left
and I'll
rip the sky
apart for
a fix, a
fucking
belief
of anything
of you
Patience
runs silent
echoes
in my
glass mind
placebos
in between
art and
deception

Untitled

Honesty comes between some stage between over does and the fog. It's hard to tell the difference these days. While I continue to focus on being a better human this disease strikes swiftly. The shadows seem to fade and the crickets low hum buzz. No one listens but I never speak. Honesty came and I'm sleep deprived, worn and numb.

It's day five and I'll sympathize with my other self. I feel like I'm wiping away you in the fog in the mirror. One step closer, one leap of faith further and I'm following. Following this dim light to the end. End or beginning it's hard to see.

I felt my heart beat for the first time in years and I'm still falling. The drums vicious desire to heal is obscene.It'll be ok. A self help pep talk and hiding the scars. I'll keep my head down till my eyes have life again.

Untitled

Fire starts a line
blades cuts the
delicate flesh
between the
hand grenades
napalm fades
while we all
fucking fall
apart, skin
from bone,
tissue from
body we
all fucking
fade away
fuck it all
and I'd burn
myself again
if it meant a
god damn
nothing does
everything
false, lies
we're taught
teachers slash
preachers and
politicians, take
cut and we're
propaganda
Fuck you all
and fuck this
all, fuck it
till she bleeds
away, this
mother, this
saint, fuck it
till she sheds
and chokes
on her own
blood now

Handshakes with Mr. Daniels on a Thursday

Well, it's seven p.m. and I'm three drinks in. I can feel some of the anxiety leaving, not that drinking is an answer. I'm sure at some point tonight I will do or say something stupid. However, given the options of what starts tomorrow, I only feel this appropriate. Also I might not be able to drink for a week or two depending on how sick these meds made me before. Not extremely happy about that currently but I will listen to the doc. Or at least try to. 

I feel like my whole life was supposed to be something good, something happy, something else even? Not that I've had a bad life or anything like that. I've had a good one. It's been tough, hard to explain and I do a lot of fucking up. It's so easy to blame my head or whatever but I despise that being a reason for anything. So I tend to go into these spirals or tendencies that don't treat me well or others well. Most days I still think I'd be better off on that deserted island. Alone is where I can't hurt anyone. It's become a very natural thing to me.

Sort of odd it seems that booze is my relaxant and my crushing factor. Maybe that's how it goes with alcoholics. Maybe it's how it goes with all of us with some disorder or another. My alcohol maybe your cleaning or tv or food or whatever the fuck we want to do. Does it get better? I don't know. I know I gave up on love and sure as hell know it exists now. How not to fuck that up and get better? I have no answers now.

Days in Rant

So plan A failed to get me into some sort of more normal state. In fact, it went awful wrong on a lot of different levels. I haven't felt as depressed and shitty in long time due to that change up. Now I'm onto plan B and after days in, I feel about the same before I switched in the first place. I still a need to climb up the walls at times and I'm starting to wonder if anything could even help.

I guess it's a little early to say such but changing up meds has always sucked for me. It's been fine but it's still not where I want to be. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me. Maybe I'll always be that socially awkward kid and never get better. It just pisses me of because that leads to not wanting to leave, wanting to do things I can't and it just brings me down.

Anyway, just thoughts and rants. Just wish I could fast forward to a time when all things were ok. If not, just figure this shit out myself. That seems to be the case of what's going to have to happen. Ugh. Now I'm seeing to fight between distraction and a million thoughts a minute. I guess that is probably half the speed than normal though.

Pass me a bottle Mr. Jones...

Happy 4:20!

Shroud-ing all the ground around me
Is this holy crow above me.
Black as holes within a memory
And blue as our new second sun.
I stick my hand into his shadow
To pull the pieces from the sand.
Which I attempt to reassemble
To see just who I might have been.
I do not recognize the vessel,
But the eyes seem so familiar.
Like phosphorescent desert buttons
Singing one familiar song...

Slip

Further, further, spiraling down
till my stomach turns and time
falls onto stained glass ground
Faltering and failing in this bliss
A secondary, an offensive
pause to touch, memory false
I've slipped into this state
of blues and whites, a faint
gray of my heart beat lights
the walls, slowing, slowing
while the blood drip waterfall
echoes through this space
a shard trips over skin to
these veins carrying disease
A disease that lives in
these aching bones, residing
in my own feverish hell
I'll place this desire, this
lust aside, to rest, to sleep
to forever vanish into
this forever granite steps

Stained Blurred Clarity

I've got this shaky hand
twitch of an eye thing
scares me into being
that other self I know
I've got addictions mind
playing with the clock
Passing time with
a sweat palm reading
from my ghost to be
Clarity to see between
the beauty of a breath
this lost religion I've
held so close, like the
ark of my own mind
never wanted to be
a martyr, a saint
or even an angel
just normal,
a human
for once

Restrain

I've got this rage
flowing in veins
I comprehend
so little, all these
years with me
All these years
trying to be
myself seems
to be slipping
further away
Karmic reality
Genetic destiny
I wish I was
safe and in
her arms but
I'm far away
with my, my
obsession
I fucking hate
needing you
It seems to
fade when
I see you
smile, here
an I love you
or anything
else and I
just don't
want to
fuck this up
This soul
screams terror
like a serial
killer slitting
a trophy off
a victim and
I'm already
saying I
fucked it up
I just want
to be better
so fucking
better that
deserved
who you are
Love you
more than
words can
say, love
you more
than this
existence
Restrain

Pins,Needles and Paranoia

Should have known better
no undertow taking me
down to that place
That swelling fever
imagination bleeds to
nightmares of twitches
remorseful I am, I will
always be of who I am
Never good enough
just some fucking soul
that wants to sit in this
corner of safety I
sometimes have
Should have know better
Good enough, I'll never
stand tall enough, strong
enough to be who I
want to be inside
Lack of air hits my
forehead, burns this
forehead as thoughts
churn out like some
factory of fuck ups
Sweaty palms, choked
throat and heart cries
to explode into pieces
My head, never good
enough, never will be
good enough for
any of this, feel the
wounds on my arm
self abusive mascaraed
Now I just want to
burn this flesh again
cut this skin again
to let me breathe

4.8.11

Sideswiped, waiting
for ambulances
nauseated by
disease creeping
through these
quivering veins
One relapse
and I'm back
home, in this
iron cage, steel
mask with three
slits to breathe
Suffocate on
the sins of
others while
I pass into the
other realm
Eyes blackened
I'm sickened
pick at these
scabs of me
Scalpel the skin
where my heart
rests, decaying
blackened, dying
I'm passing into
that other realm

Fear between proverbial lines

Lately, I've been having a hard time allowing myself to be happy. Allowing myself to drop walls again. I'm doing a better job lately. I've become too used to the idea that I really have no hope for the life I want. It's hard letting that go after telling yourself for the past few years. Now that I do it does I have all these emotions. I need to write, take photos, achieve some sort of social normality and hell, I even wanted to pick up the guitar again. It's an odd rush of excitement but deep down it all scares me.

Shedding skin for the countless time again and being hopeful. It's hard for me. Hell, it's hard to write everything out because my synapses fire so disorganized. I know something could be good. So, I kind of run to the closest thing I have to rid myself of those shadows. Those you can't, you won't, those negative thoughts that creep into an already fractured mind. Music and writing are my languages.

I hate to make people feel uncomfortable. I hate that this is part of me. So again, I apologize to any friends out there. I am dreaming again, wanting to create again and have some passion I'm not even sure I've ever had. I can barely breathe it's all so overwhelming lately. Good, hell, GREAT, but it's overwhelming. Jack Daniels is my friend tonight. I call it the hopeless artist/romantic curse but tonight, I just need to be.

I know, it seems all poor me and I try not to do this. Why I usually put on face paint for the amusement of all. This entertaining cat with some sort of heart but all those mirrors shattered. I'm picking up the pieces and don't feel like masking myself tonight. Much peace, love and happiness to you all.  

Nietzsche said "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man." That's been a philosophy of mine for too god damned long. I just want to be me tonight without freaking out during the witching hours.

Cheers!

Fluttery Heart Syndrome

Feverish head sinking today
Lost between the words
I want to say but fear
of pushing you away
My flaws consume my
very veins on days
where I'd rather hide
and stay away, not
wanting you to see
this awkward kid
I still have inside
Blues to grays fit
my tone all day
Trying to breathe,
trying to recover
but you're teaching
me how to be me
all over again, us
a connection built
in mystery, we
still trying to learn
You're forever eyes
even from a picture
Changes my day
makes the night
a little brighter
and butterflies
flutter through
my soul, my
heart fluttering
a light speed
caught between
You, my star
my hope, my
forever love
Thank you

Pulse

Electric pulse goosebumps
back in time, a solar wind
blowing these sails of time
Rehearse faces that even
I don't recognize anymore

So long, so gone, I'm
sorry I'm floating away
through space, through
time and this light
is taking me any day

Pulse surges back heart
lungs fill and a hesitating
patience of teary eye lids
flickering the dimensions
I don't recognize anymore

So long, so gone, I'm 

sorry I'm floating away

through space, through

time and this light

is taking me any day

rant.

I really wish I could snap out of this odd somber place I've been in for a while now. Now sure what the issues is but I dislike it. Of course, it doesn't help when I think I could use a jack and coke right now. I've got to shake whatever shadow is on me right now. I'm not very fond of it. Eek. Rant over.

I've still got that anxiety from last week coming and going too.  I feel out of allignment, out of range but still the most grounded in some areas. Blech. Over-analyzing myself is probably not helping matters much either. Anyway, suppose it is a monday.

Untitled

Sunlight I'd blame

for my drop

deeper into

my heat I go

Becoming who

I am when I'm

going to run 

till my lungs 

collapse, let

this world

slip through

my fingers

I'd give up

if I knew 

how again

I'd cry

if I could

without

alcohol

In mirrors

I face my

enemy

Waiting 

for these

shadows

to engulf

my soul

Untitled

I'd bleed it on page

if I could show you

how these words

are how I breathe
Miles apart but

I still feel your

heart beat next

to mine at night

moonlight shining

a hopeful future

Front porch swing

years of day dreams

Love true forever

and ever, ahead

of myself I get

I realize and try

to organize these

present, future

pictures into 

a reality, fear 

tucked away

into that lump

in my throat

Bleeding onto

this notebook

These words

I hope you'll

believe soon

In Jesus name

I always feel like a piece of shit when I let go like I did today. I freak out over anything, every little thing, because I am the fucking black sheep. I am the one my parents say I'm so fucking proud of but I'm none of that....I am a fuck up, black sheep, drug abuse, son I've always been. I am my half brother, I am my grandmother that none of you gave a shit about.

I am me. I'm a failure, I am not who I want to be, I am different people depending on clouds and I cry because I'm in love. It's all I have left. I know it's not right, it's scary and it's obsessive but it's the only soul I believe in loving. I'm scared as hell but its' all I have. I'll faint, I'll cry, I'll die too young and that's all I have. I burn myself to feel alive cause I never felt loved. I pray to not break this, fuck this up, all I have.

Break a needle in my favorite spot

I am this fool
believing in
some stars
and some
god damn
word love
I prevail
in my days
my guards,
my archers
my instincts
are where I
want to be
drunken fool
I'll always be
life, belief
I just want
your breath
before I die
Pause, fast
forward and
we talk, talk
type, type
our lives away

Trepidation

I fucking hate when I can't be normal about stuff. One little fucking thing and I want to go into embryonic position. I always thought I'd get better about anxieties that shouldn't mean anything. Nothing ever seems to take that part of me away. It's a part of myself I'd fucking cut out on my own if I could. I hate being a nervous anxious ball of fucking energy over NOTHING. It irks me to no end and I seriously hate this part of myself. I, of course, fucking start this shit up when I pick a weekend to not drink. Now it's all I want to do just to calm the fuck down. This fever inside just creeps up out of no where and I'm shackled with the shakes. Shackled with horrible thoughts. Shackled to a weight that seems to want to drag my soul so far down I'll never see it again. UGH.

AmethystVenom's #Crysis 2 Review(PS3)

I did not get a chance to play Crysis but was interested in Crysis 2. I was a bit hesitant at first but it seemed to have a lot of “fun” factor. Today I was finally able to finish to campaign. There are some reasons for the delay I will go into further though. I'll just say it up front though, if you want to be a kick ass soldier in a kick ass nanosuit check this one out.

I am only familiar with the first game through articles. Crysis 2 starts out 3 years after the first game in New York City. It is the year 2023 and there has been an alien invasion. These aliens are called the Ceph or as I'll always refer to them, those squid mother fuckers. I'll admit the story had some holes and honestly wasn't any sort of blockbuster. However, it doesn't matter because the game is “mostly” so fun to play.

Everyone has spoken about the graphics and how amazing they are. It is true. It's a gorgeous game and the New York here is certainly special. The details, lighting and areas are gorgeous. I keep getting asked the big question, better than killzone 3? I honestly can't prefer one over the other in graphics. We'll just say they hold their own in the graphics department. There are some unfortunate screen tearing which I'm assuming they will patch. This is nothing game breaking.

The gameplay is what makes this game come alive. Your nano suit is basically a near limitless weapon that you can customize to however you like to play. I must say most of the game I had to go through stealth although I'm a run and gunner. It's challenging but nearly all of gameplay was a blast. The controls are fluid and this is by far one of my favorite HUDs in any game. Thankfully the HUD even crosses over into multiplayer which I'll go into later.

The campaign honestly lacks much story. The dialogue honestly feels a little tired and really just seemed like filler. If you can forgive the story though, there is true greatness to this game on the gameplay level, different ways to approach situations and it's deserving of multiple play throughs. Who doesn't like being a kick ass soldier in nanosuit 2.0? I mean, try it on. It definitely fit for me. A game stopping bug did hold me back for a few days. EA's support was horrible as usual but finally after other attempts and suggestions. It seems if you get stuck after defeating a pinger, just restart the chapter. With that out of the way, the A.I. I felt could have been better.

It seems the development team went for details and got 98% of this game to perfection. However, with the a npcs running in place against walls it does take it down a notch. I hope there is a resolution and tweaks to the AI one day. I doubt that will happen but it far from ruined my experience with Crysis 2. If you are about fun factor, slick controls, a game that looks great and kicking ass I doubt you will be let down.

Yet another great thing is the Crysis 2 multiplayer. It is a blast to play, ugprade and use many different strategies to take down your opponents. I love the twists on the normal multiplayer fps modes. You have your normal team based and solo death matches. You have a capture and hold type game(Crash Site) where an alien craft comes and shoots down a pod where your team have to control it. I'm loving this mode. There is also a capture the falg(capture the relay), extraction(teams try to steal tanks) and assault(One team tries to obtain data terminals and the other team must defend). Killzone 3 also took a big hit due to the lack of maps. Not worry on Crysis 2, it comes with a whopping 12 maps! For the most part all put together extremely well.

Big question, so buy it or not? Buy it if this interested you at all. I see myself playing not only the campaign a few times through but multiplayer for hours. There is a bit of a learning curve but don't be afraid to jump in. It gets more and more fun as you level up. The multiplayer fits in well with the feel of the game and I think Crytek did an amaing job. It has some faults but they are extremely easy to look over. This is a must have title in 2011. Now, go, save New York and crush some squid soldier!

9.0 out of 10

Untitled

If I'd have known
I'd let this shadow
go so long ago
A pale ghost
whispering to
moonlight's
trance, lost
my stars years
ago, flickering
light in her
life filled eyes
wakes me, a
heart thrice
it's size since
I knew her
years ago
Softest lips
I've melted
again and
again with
a memory
Just a blink
of my eye
to think of
her angelic
face and
smile, so
many years
turns out
a heart's
memory
is never
wrong

Fish Faces

Twenty ninth, third month
Anxious but happy for
the first time in years
Blush comes to face
red paints pale skin
but I always wondered
always somewhere in
my heart she's stayed
A small town setting
but our hearts bigger
than the state itself
Silly faces, glances
butterflies dancing
She's still the girl
for me, I can see
again and again
Her green eyes
still sparkle life
So pretty she's
got me on my
knees, letting all
these defenses
crumble to sand
I'd stare into
those eyes for
a lifetime and
never get enough
Future hopes
dreams come
true with a  kiss
and love yous
connected

Killzone 3 Review from a Killzone fan(A month later) 6.5 out of 10

I am a killzone fan. I did enjoy the first one and got addicted to killzone 2. I played and still own the game because I could pop it in at anytime. You can imagine mine and the community excitement with all the beta testing and news of Killzone 3. I have seen it evolve and I truly love how Guerilla Games listened to the community during killzone 2. This is why I have waited to give my thoughts on Killzone 3. It has been a month now and I feel I can be honest. First thing I'll get out right away, the menu screens are absolutely atrocious. I can not justify why they did this. With that stated, that doesn't make a game.

First off, the campaign and story are top notch. It's a bit shorter than I expected. However, with all the gorgeous set pieces and kick ass action I loved it. Sometimes the A.I. Did feel weaker in KZ3 versus Killzone 3. However, there was no frustrating moments on Elite as there was in KZ2. I must say though to platinum this one is much less of a challenge. I am addressing this review to fans of the series. The campaign is a brilliant addition to the world we know. The story was great and it is truly a blast to play through.

The graphics in the campaign are superior to any shooter I can think of. The only contender I know of currently is Crysis 2. There will be more on that to come though. A lot of gamers complained about the dark, gritty look of Helghan in killlzone 2. They have addressed this and gave us a much broader view into the planet. You have gorgeous seas, vivid jungles and other terrains that are simply breathtaking. The story fits well into the universe and the ending is something nothing short of awesome. I don't want to spoil it though especially due to the shortness. I played it through and went back through it in the same week though. That should speak volumes as I rarely do this with a FPS campaign.

With the “brutal” melee system in place it actually makes it fun to play through a few times. Be stealthy or go in with guns blazing. It's all up to you. The controls are tighter with less dead spot and I personally don't see how they could improve on them. They are perfect in my honest opinion. Keep in mind, I'm not a huge fan of the normal COD layout though. The new cover system does brilliantly and the new slide adds to the adrenalin.

Now, for the heart and obsession I had with killzone 2, we needed a bigger, better multiplayer. This is one reason I've waited a month. There has been continuous issues and patches released. I'm honestly not sure how this happened after the countless hours of beta testing allowed for this game. It is still one of the best out there and is fun to play alone but a true experience to play with a full squad. The problem now is can you get into the games, will you have lag that will ruin the experience, or will you simply be stuck on the same map over and over again. These are issues that we should not be experiencing this late into the game.

I feel GG has let it's fans down in some way after the continuous communication we had during killzone 2. Sure, all games have there bugs/issues but they were resolved. We were told they were being resolved. It is as if the development team has vanished almost completely on the communication side and the patches they have released just cause more issues. The game, when it works, is fun to play. I still do not understand why we do not have custom games but they stated(a while ago) it will be in a patch. I think GG does need to listen to our marksman cloaking being unbalanced with a machine gun. There are some other balance issues that could go into but go to there forums if you want to here all of them.

Biggest thing to take away from this is I'm not bashing Killzone 3. When it works I absolutely love it although I do wish for some tweaks and changes still. I think the fans that still have the game are hoping for this as well. I feel as somewhere since killzone 2 the community matters less and that truly sucks in my opinion. I somewhere still have faith they can turn this around but there is a lot to turn around. Most mentioned above for me, some other issues as modes and the true lack of enough maps on release. I still thought there should have been four to five operation modes but hey, we all buy dlc. It's been a month now and I can sadly say overall I'm disappointed. Frustratingly so as this is one of my favorite FPS franchises. I also felt that the development team that once communicated so well with it's fan base has completely dropped the ball. I'm hoping I can update this one day to a better review but currently I can not. It's been a true stab to the heart of this killzone fan.  

I might shed a tear but overall Killzone 3 gets a 6.5 from me. Possibly a 7 if we had better communication from GG. I'll still be on Vekta hoping they get on the ball and pull this number up higher though.

2011 APC Tour dates

Well, I was hoping for a new album release but not bad news at all. :) Enjoy if you get out to a show!

2011 APC Tour dates

You can purchase at the site :) https://aperfectcircle.com/

Announcing 2011 Tour Dates!!

Click on each date's ticket link to purchase tickets!

Sunday, May 22 Crew Stadium Columbus, OH

Wednesday, June 29 Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall Portland, OR

Thursday, June 30 Showare Center Kent, WA

Saturday, July 02 Boonstock Gibbons, AB

Monday, July 04 Centennial Concert Hall Winnipeg, MB

Wednesday, July 06 Roy Wilkins Auditorium St. Paul, MN

Friday, July 08 Fox Theatre Detroit, MI

Saturday, July 09 Downsview Park Toronto, ON

Tuesday, July 12 Bank of America Pavilion Boston, MA

Wednesday, July 13 Hammerstein Ballroom New York, NY

Friday, July 15 Beacon Theatre New York, NY

Saturday, July 16 Penn\'s Landing - Festival Pier Philadelphia, PA

Sunday, July 17 Constitution Hall Washington, DC

Tuesday, July 19 Time Warner Cable Uptown Amphitheatre Charlotte, NC

Wednesday, July 20 The Tabernacle Atlanta, GA

Friday, July 22 Freeman Coliseum San Antonio, TX

Saturday, July 23 Verizon Theatre Grand Prairie, TX

Monday, July 25 Comerica Theatre Phoenix, AZ

Tuesday, July 26 SDSU Open Air Theatre San Diego, CA

Thursday, July 28 Gibson Amphitheater Los Angeles, CA

Friday, July 29 Memorial Auditorium Sacramento, CA

Saturday, July 30 The Greek Theatre Berkeley, CA

Tuesday, August 02 Red Rocks Amphitheatre Denver, CO

Tuesday, August 09 Stage AE Pittsburgh, PA

A perfect circle news incoming, gaming and personal rants on this Monday

First off, I'll start with a quote I've found. I'm not particularly fond of Monday. This one is no different.
Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life. ~Author Unknown hehe


I am waiting anxiously for a perfect circle news that should be released here in 15 minutes or so. If you know or don't know I'm obsessed with all things TOOL. A perfect circle, in their own right, is no exception. I feel like a kid on Christmas even hoping for a new album. If it turns out that isn't the news I might be a little sad.


Other things, I'm waiting for my copy of Homefront. I need it now. I haven't been gaming as much lately and my PS3 is getting loney. I  surely blame all things on Killzone 3. So far, I can't say I'm very happy with the issues were having and I miss the GG dev team we had in killzone 2. It just doesn't seem like they are there for us. I'm quite a bit pissed about this lately. So that's what's going on gaming news lately. Fortunately, I have King(or queen) of  the world to occupy my downtime on  facebook. If you haven't played it and are on facebook, give it a try. I can help ya out if needed. :)


Ahhh 10 minutes till the news release....


I'm going to apologize in advance to any possible readers that might see a different side of me. I'm walking down a path of giddy as of late and I'm sure that will start showing the blog. I will put a trash can out if you have the sudden need to vomit. I understand but it seems I've been bitten and smitten. All in good perfect ways although they are unconventional.


I have a lot to say about what has occurred over the weekend. The bombings in Libya has unfortunately left me with spiraling words through my soul. When I gather them better I'll try to make sure to rant, rave and bitch about what's going on. I don't truly hate a lot of things in this world but war is something that gets inside me It's beyond under my skin...it  truly is a physical pain that I get from this. 


With all that, I'm going to try to start doing more updates to the blog, I owe a lot of reviews but I haven't felt it fair to give them till most patches are complete. 


Till next time, 


Seth

Blink

Wish I could slow time down
to a stand still, to figure these
things out once and for all
Time slipping through space
faster than I can blink, I'm
waiting for that destined
design to come forward
and show me the signs
The clouds keep building
Lightning clap confusion
and thunder whispering
I'd never deserve that
life I've dreamed for ages
that love I've wanted
for too many years to
count or scrape into the
white walls on my own
This glass heart can
hope every second
every day

3.13.11

A silence blanketed me
after this car crash scene
I played along, following
through to see no future
A blank canvas sits as
these veins fill, blood
pressure flows into this
anxious being, turning
back the years to
face those heroes
and devils alike
That silence lifts
Sirens and dried red
flashing through the
lights and sounds
Sending me there
once again, where
I belong, where I
should take this
last breath chance

Untitled

That other me

staring back

in the mirror

My despise

my rage and

my lonely 

land with 

all my ghosts

I only wish

to erase it

start over

and simply

be another

me, another

person, my

lows are

highs and

whites are

blacks in

the empty

sky inside

I thought 

I'd hide 

Die inside

but I'm here

roulette wheels

spinning and

spinning with

hope and love

life and death

I wish I 

weren't me

today

me today 

Untitled

Off the cliff
I jumped
head first
praying
to not
slip too
far away
The tide
takes me
undertow
grabs my
body as
the sun's
light splits
ricochet
echoing
through
this hope
of mine
Too late
too far
to turn
back

Seraph

Flashing, connecting
million miles an hour
my head aches and
arms are filled with
scars of past and
burns of new, fiend
I great collapse
of devils chasing
this lost soul down
Thunder claps
lightning synapse
crushing my soul
with desire, admire
that ghastly glow
and disarrayed
heaven I miss
I need it, have
to have just
something, a
lost trace of
where my
light was till
I see shadows
of her wings
from the soft
moonlight
hope in her
beautiful eyes
as seasons
drift into
change

Obscured

Held down by those

wires attached by

the white widow

I need a bottle

again and again

A haze blinds

me where she

can't find me

a drunken bliss

graceful folly

I got a head

full of mirrors

past, present

and a burning

future(Addiction)

Falling out of

my own spirit

Trying to rise

again but iron

chains weigh

heavy on this

shadow I am

Fizzle

Awoke to this
embrace from
the heavens
A night filled
dark and cold
Soul tempts
me with these
thoughts and
digressions
Transgressions
interrupt these
synapses that
flutter to a
green, blue
sparkle(love)
Spiraling and
fizzling into
this new age
This new hopeful
embrace,where
I must lay
my heart out
for all to see

3.8.11

There's that part of me

thinking I'm loosing 

myself again

but another, overcoming

gravity pulling me to

an instinct, a feeling

a heart that I longed

for years ago till

this day, A fool

I feel with this silly

songs and beats

to a heart I thought

I lost so long ago

A aura, a change

in the seasons

that seem hopeful

Wishing upon

the stars and

time itself I 

beg of the gods

to leave me here

Untitled

Rose petal eyes

pat pat of this

heart I've tried

to forget, to

erase, whited

out myself

in the name 

of this hope

That bright

light that I

lost sight of

between the

shipwrecks

and lost days,

walks among

myself and

shadows light

I'd trade it all

for this beating

heart, moments

timed by a moon

shine dream land

The stars are in

focus tonight

GO AWAY

Well, I couldn't write and I still can't but I'm happier typing to music I enjoy. I breathe this shit, not emails, texts, or some masks we all display. It's always why I've been here, been alone. I find it hard, seriously fucking wanting me to kill someone, that I don't have some Chinese girls.

Drinking JD, I'm ok with that. I'm more than ok with that. I finally straightened out my pills for a few days and I really miss her. My darker days need to be phased and my hope needs a cut down. I'm still here, playing games and doing what I can to help myself. It's all I've got. I'm still trying to be happy after 31 years? fucks sake.

I think I  was an idiot and need to be open to ppl. Even ppl that hurt me. It's all I've ever wanted.

3.3.11

I've got lazy eyes
A sign of grace
and I'm walking
in shallow water
on a beach on
a planet I don't
know, vacant
and free, alone
Desolate winds
blow sands
like souls before
Dreams falling
from clouds
spiraling through
the mountains
Tear gas calm
brings me down
and I'm sitting
waiting, again
and again

TOO MANY GAMES! What I've been playing..

Obviously, Killzone 3 is still priority although I'm anxiously awaiting the patch. As much as I loved the retro maps  I can't play them for hours at time without any switching. Either way, fantastic game. I got the platinum finally and the game is AWESOME. Especially with BPC buddies. :)

Sonic the Hedghog untouched with trophies. It's perfect

PixelJunk Shooter 2 is a blast and you must play this game. Do it NOW.

I got lucky on twitter and got the First Strike DLC for COD:Black Ops. Thank you @FanboyAttack!
You can visit the site here http://attackofthefanboy.com.

I haven't played the zombie map yet but  I will say they are 4 very nice maps. I really enjoy the rooftops of Kowloon. Graphically, I have to say I'm impressed with the team on discovery. All the maps look solid and I'll review them if I get a chance.

It was an odd turn to go back to COD after this much KZ3 time. I know IW said they don't need a new engine but I disagree. Even though the new maps are nice, graphically KZ3 is so far advanced it feels like I'm playing different generation games.

Return

Sky's a gray today
like time showing
her age or mine
Between steps
off that delicate
line I tried to
keep hidden
keep myself
hidden at all
times under
these days
Stitched lips
and barbed
wire protecting
a emptiness
A flickering
vacancy sign
that I still
lose breath
for, lose my
choke hold
grasp I have
on reality left
Tumbling down
further and
further below

Nine

The ninth, a sign
between rhythms
of lunar moons
Cries between
blood spatter
art falling to
the misty tiles
electric blue
room,consuming
flames firing
that tick, tick
Beat of an
anxious heart
a deep breath
and a muffled
whisper, falling
blade, metal
clank and fluid
runs down the
steal to drop
at last breath
compulsions

Figments

In this hazy state
I'll stay in clouds
where my dreams
hold me, stitch
my skin together
This heartbeat
beats in my
head, counting
once upon a
time or other
meanings of
life I long for
Synapses seem
blocked with
my heart on
you and these
daydreams I
lock myself in
Drips of slight
rainfall keeps
dates and ages
All a watery
blurry vision
I hold onto
cause nothing
nothing is
left here

Killzone 3 Open Beta Impressions

I went through the sometimes painful but overall enjoyable killzone 3 beta last year. Now I'm happy to see it back even if it's one map. The controls have been tightened, the upgrade system is fantastic and leveling seems very balanced. There are some kinks such as the world full and had a few freezes but overall got in around 4 hours of gameplay.  Graphics are wonderful. I am waiting on the sharp shooter attachment to test out the move though. I can't wait to check it out after hearing some great things though.

I'm loving the weapons, upgrades and it feels just right. Don't get me wrong, I loved kz2 but the controls at a perfect balance. The sound is crystal clear, the music is epic and I feel completely in the world. The controller lag might be gone but you still feel your are there. If this sticks(I'm sure it will) KZ3 will be all I want it to be and then some. Operations mode is fantastic. You really feel you are part of a team, although that might be odd at times in the killzone world. Highly impressed so far.

I was doubtful about the new spawn system but after today I think I finally get it. I also prefer it to the spawn grenades. I think GG made a tough choice but made the right one in the long run. That will need to be tested in all the maps but I'm guessing it's going to be brilliant.

Check in soon with the single player demo.

2.1.11

This 1st has hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I've been all over the place. I'm not even sure I realized it was February till sometime this afternoon. I swear it felt if someone else's soul was in a cocoon that just busted open. All the splatter of memories and gory details of who I am/was/is. My head is already a swarm of bees this past month so things seem to be progressing I suppose. I can't wait to get this month past me. This is always the time of year there simply is no light to be seen. Where my soul and mind wonder off into an oblivious slumber.

ah

A cigarette burn would have been art this 30th. Not sure I'll recover again after being a fucking target this year. I know I'll live in my head and wish someone was there that loved me like her. Besides all the clouds and blood splatter, I still believe you are out there somewhere.

AV's Dead Space 2 Review(PS3)

I’m coming at this review not playing the first Dead Space. Unfortunately, I missed the first one but I am on board for the sequel. It does have a nice previously on so I got to see what Isaac Clarke  had been up to. After a quick story fill in I wake up to madness. I’m on a space station named Sprawl. Instantly I feel I’m really there and all hell or necromorphs has broken out.

I can not say enough about the lighting and graphics in this game. It’s beautiful in it’s details. Space sequences truly stand out. Throughout my first play through I’m not sure I ever realized I was on earth. I was completely immersed in space. I think that’s when I felt something was truly different about this game. Don’t get me wrong, this is a hellish nightmare but there is beauty in the details. Space is incredible, the set pieces are beautiful and the whole look I believe is perfect. There are a few hiccups with the necros I noticed and some camera glitches but they were barely noticeable.

The lighting I feel deserves it’s own award. The darkness to the rings of Saturn to the lasers are simply incredible. A part of the total immersion is the lighting in this game and it’s perfect. While some sequences just put me in awe the majority of it has me ready to jump out of my skin. The lighting in ever aspect to this single player is brilliant.

Gameplay fits perfect with this game. You have telekinesis for grabbing objects, limbs to use as weapons and many other strategies. There is a slew of weapons and upgrades for your suit and equipment. They are extremely rewarding as it’s a challenge to receive nodes. Nodes lets you adjust your rig(suit) and weapons. Finally a survivor horror game that has balls and does limit you on ammo, powers, etc. You do have to work for it all and it’s a satisfying yet terrifying experience. Stomping can be a little too much fun but also grabs you loot. So there is a purpose to stomping on all the necros and bodies in this nightmare. Also there are puzzles that add a break from the combat. I really enjoyed these but don’t want to spoil them for anyone.

Sound is also a huge plus for me with this title. The music is eerie, atmospheric, dramatic, and fits in perfectly with the campaign. It never attempts to cheese it up and commend them for this. Screams and necros also fill up the sound to perfection. Sometimes I still don’t know if it was ears playing tricks on me or if it was a lurker coming at me.  The guns sound great and set pieces with moving parts are brilliant. Crank the volume, turn off the lights and enjoy this title to it’s fullest extend.

The replay ability is already high. There are 4 different difficulties although the last is probably left for people that just love abuse. The multiplayer is a lot of fun. It’s not perfect and is more of it’d be nice to kill some necros and/or humans with some objectives thrown in the mix. Guard or Defend. It’s fairly basic but it does work overall. While not the best multiplayer I think it does fit the game. There are plenty of ranks to move up and upgrades to achieve as well. I’ve heard a lot of people down the multiplayer and while it’s not perfect, I still see myself playing it here and there. It’s still a lot of fun. It also nearly looks identical to the campaign gameplay which I love.

I can’t recommend this one for the younger folks but those that want a dark, nightmarish, survial horror game this one is for you. It’s the best one I’ve played in a long time. It’s brutal, it’s scary and at times it’s simply fucked up. If it sounds like that’s up your ally do yourself a favor and check this one out. It will definitely be a remembered game for me for some time to come. Excellent game.

9.5 out of 10

1.24.11

Sharp knives inside

my mind, sending

tremors throughout

Soul stitched from

webs spun from 

decades of decay

A push button

panic attack

I'm ready to fly

again, fall into

that abyss again

My fortress is

no more, my

world crumbles

before the gods

judging me from

the pinholes in

this nuclear sky

Pulsing eye

twitching wrist

self-made list

of take care

goodbyes

nightmare

sighs

 

Untitled

I've got a head full
of undead, wrath
filled day dreams
Black out fallout
Bridges built by
devils within
destroyed by
these visions
Haunting my life
day to day and
I'm drifting into
that cloudy eyed
state of mind
Rapture of my
soul began and
I'm sinking lower
than ever today
Despair plagues
veins under my
aging skin, within
I'm only dark
once again

Inamorata

Pining to be in a gaze
between the moon
and those green eyes
I've tipped the cup
of past memories
and beliefs in souls
colliding supernovas
Floating around in
space like I once
new, believed
and forever
believed, when
I swore I had
wings to soar
into this happy
future with
Sick with love
I am always
Inamorata

1.13.11

I'm back in years
before my time
thinking, wishing
and hoping for
a truth to find
itself amongst
the razor wire
I hold myself
upright with
I feel like that
kid again, a
steady stutter
heartbeat
anticipation
of words
never said
Not even sure
I can breath
or be here
again with this
splintered mind
racing thoughts
and heart beat
heart change
changes into
that intersection
of blood, hope
tears, and love
Razor wire
comfort seems
should be my
only worth

1.7.11

A slice to my forearm
sends me under again
I've lost my place here
in this world that seems
so fucking far from my
beliefs and rhythms I
bang out with a shake
and twitch, a painful
ache that reminds me
of the guilt I already
faced yesterday and
tomorrow, just another
shit binge bridge I see
Lust for the poison
upon my lips I am
A collision to turn
speed to hallucinogen
I can't breathe either
god damned way
I can't see either
god damned way
I'm just sick and
empty, turning
into a word bound
apathetic figure
An apparition just
trying to disappear
drown in my own
blood, my home
just need to be
so far gone
and alone

Untitled

Yet another year,flip the calendar

and watch myself walk another

persons steps and lie to myself

in these dreams taking me under

Another love sick hour hangs

over my head and misspoke

poems crumble into broken

words from a war torn heart

This darkness consumes what

little light I had years ago

Now it's black outs, falsities

and razor claws leading me

Hand in hand, while I go

under that crystal blue star