Lately, I've been having a hard time allowing myself to be happy. Allowing myself to drop walls again. I'm doing a better job lately. I've become too used to the idea that I really have no hope for the life I want. It's hard letting that go after telling yourself for the past few years. Now that I do it does I have all these emotions. I need to write, take photos, achieve some sort of social normality and hell, I even wanted to pick up the guitar again. It's an odd rush of excitement but deep down it all scares me.
Shedding skin for the countless time again and being hopeful. It's hard for me. Hell, it's hard to write everything out because my synapses fire so disorganized. I know something could be good. So, I kind of run to the closest thing I have to rid myself of those shadows. Those you can't, you won't, those negative thoughts that creep into an already fractured mind. Music and writing are my languages.
I hate to make people feel uncomfortable. I hate that this is part of me. So again, I apologize to any friends out there. I am dreaming again, wanting to create again and have some passion I'm not even sure I've ever had. I can barely breathe it's all so overwhelming lately. Good, hell, GREAT, but it's overwhelming. Jack Daniels is my friend tonight. I call it the hopeless artist/romantic curse but tonight, I just need to be.
I know, it seems all poor me and I try not to do this. Why I usually put on face paint for the amusement of all. This entertaining cat with some sort of heart but all those mirrors shattered. I'm picking up the pieces and don't feel like masking myself tonight. Much peace, love and happiness to you all.
Nietzsche said "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man." That's been a philosophy of mine for too god damned long. I just want to be me tonight without freaking out during the witching hours.
Cheers!
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