Song of the afternoon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYPonEU-oLE

9.28.10 Ramblings

It's something odd, something powerful that music does for me. It used to be my passion, my life and all I ever wanted to do. It's become my best friend, my worst enemy, medicine and many other things. It's always been there for me. Last night on the ol' a.m. radio I hear Sinatra and some vortex opens up from my past. I have battled with things all my life but one thing that always made it better was love. I'm blessed to even understand that word although it just breaks me into pieces now.

Now I honestly hate more than love. I don't believe in things that are good without some sort of agenda. I've become locked in my own coffin after fighting to survive too many years. It's still a daily question of why in the hell am I really here. That point grows dimmer and dimmer lately. It's just adjustments like I literally have buttons now. Say this, say that, maybe a facial expression and move on. Listening to Frank Sinatra reminds me, although it rips me apart, that I used to be someone else. I'm not here anymore.

This whole fight I've had has truly beaten me into submission. Every time I look in the mirror it's not me now, it's me from years ago. I feel more fractured every hour now, instead of days like it used to me. I am really having a hard time grasping at anything these days.

Devolution

Listening to Sinatra
reminders of love
happiness, another
person that was
me so long ago
He sings his heart
and my soul has
slit marks of
years of ago
It was three
strikes and
now I'm here
bluer than
any night
sky I've seen
I'd wake up if
I could but a...
just one tiny
thought brings
me down again
Love was the
only thing that
quietened this
fractured mind
Now desolate
devolving into
my own ghost
Reality hits
hard, heavy
chest pain
shaking to
stop the pain
Overkill switch
became me
and now I'm
not even sure
I know what
each expression
I make truly is
besides lies
upon lies, I've
died inside

9.27.10

Fog lifts the air

while I dream

monochrome
statues whisper

Angel wings

brush my face

while I lay here

saying what if

I say I'm away

envious stench

of the infection

that curses my

blackened soul

Tense up just

to shake it off

Heavy breath

lullabies play

on that dusty

record player

Disconnect

myself again

and I fall

back into

the tides, waves

hit the rocky

shore playing

it's whispering

symphony of

goodbyes  

Untitled

These veins turn to wires
This circuitry soft spot
fails me again while I'm
lifted and fed to these
wolves, wolves of
past victims, delicate
shade of blue skin
and eyes of her, all
I can see in this steel
sharp as her own teeth
A deafening silence
whispers from her
soft candy coated lips
Chewed on emotions
simmer in the star lights
and I knew I never
wanted to feel this way
I could've turned away
I should have shifted
to the east but they
won't let go again

9.23.10

A time bomb came

decades light to

light fire to...

some dream

I lived years

and years ago

An empty court

with a torn net

a basketball

just rolls and

rolls on it's own

Now I've got

lightning struck

witch's luck

and I'm falling

A trigger finger

resolution in me

Keeps reciting

some poem 

I don't know

and shadows

make faces

on the nicotine

stained walls

Sleep to dream

of only steal

coal smell air

while trees

rush by in 

silver, grey

and bronze

like a rusty

razor I kept

in ninety nine

praying these

tendencies

don't become

habits again

I'd settle with

a handshake

afterlife now 

untitled

The thunder claps
can't sleep and
I turn to you
my own devil
to sing me to
sleep again
Self esteem
slips it's noose
around my
tired neck
vertebra itch
and I can't
stop shaking
trembling or
begging for
all this to
end, final
and I'll keep
on fighting till
it drags me
down, ties
that noose
so tight
and I feel
that last
Snap to
breath
laid to rest

quote of the night

"You have conquered, and I yield. Yet, henceforward, art thou also dead - - dead to the World, to Heaven, and to Hope! In me didst thou exist - - and, in my death, see by this image, which is thine own, how utterly thou hast murdered thyself." - Edgar Allen Poe

Reanimation

Reanimation of who I was
years ago, through the
white ashes she arose
Calling me to come
to that place again
Shivering between
episodes of pining
Lust, belief and hope
some chemical bliss
Home I was, Home
I am in this vacation
withdrawal between
the shivers and shakes
mental speeds catch
up to this delicate soul
praying again, just that
one taste of that angel
dressed in pure white
Calling me to come
home once again

Quote from Einstein

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

Albert Einstein quotes

Scaphism

This week has rolled by with a lot of fluctuations in my head, heart and soul. I can't say I understand why but obviously some of the past has been creeping around. Yesterday I woke up just wanting to watch the world burn and today I'm in some sort of melancholy. Surprise it's not for those who know me. Every morning is a wake up saying I just wish it was midnight. I'm usually not one to want to waste life. I think I've been watching it pass me by so long I don't or can't even care at this point.

It's a certain cave I hide in then I hit that switch. All social interactions, emotions, and expressions are on autopilot. It's how I live my life more than I not now. Lots of pondering but it's definitely why I enjoy drinking till I black out more often than not. It puts this glass box too fragile for my touch around that button. Obviously, me drinking comes a disclaimer but it at lets me be right now. The older I get the more void of true emotions it seems I feel. Any good intentions(believe me, I started this life with many) have been converted into disbelief in the whole human race. A mistrust has become a banishment of sorts.

It's simple some days. I simply can't feel anything. The complexity of my neurons are only due to damage. I used to talk about it as it was some curse but it's simple science. Action to a reaction. Prick a finger to bleed. The only thing important their is the taste of blood. I just wonder how it is till I feel nothing. Maybe it will do me some good.

Regress

Waking eclipse between

life and reality, spiders

bite the ashy skin

fang  venom enters

soft tissue turn to

hard vices, lies

and my own dying

motion picture memories

flickering project lights

still play your movie

You were always

that big screen star

You'll always be

my Ingrid Bergman

Projector lights flicker

into realms of 

haunting nightmares

that I clam my own

I'd never bless, or

wish any of these

on any of you

Solar system aligns

once again to her

Both of you at 

times still my 

fond hiding place

favorite cave

to dwell in till

they're all gone

Untitled

Wrathful plague injects
wrist  vein fills with
that madness, that
comfort of visions
violations, explosions
towers of man
imploding into the
cement, screams
from the sinful
Air fills with smell
of decaying souls
burning meat and
flesh from the rest
Dust clouds bursting
supernovas in the
nuclear sky, swirling
blues to amethyst
smoke rising,
everyone's dying
only laughter from
the deities you
hold so dear

9.15.10

Blowing smoke rings

counting spirals in

a grey white world

A flash of a second

blades of grass fall

dew to my bare feet

Look up to that sky

Alabama blue and

those clouds where

I dreamed my own

dreams of Tranquility

Hand in hand, side

by side is where

I still dream of you

and her, out of 

reach, out of site

but in the clouds

I can still see you

Living for today

is killing me and

those ghosts of

the bliss I once 

knew, love I've

never felt again

It's just one of 

those backwards

steps I have to

take, accept

and let the words

escape me again

in dreams of

Tranquility, it's

where I want

to exist, with

you both still

untitled

Been on this decent
shaded mountains
black and white
scribbled lines
this new identity
Blowing winds
knock me down
finger print grasp
just to glance down
and ask why not
Searching and
searching for
reasons behind
these drill bits
tightening in this
mind flash, lash
out and fight
Fight back till
the end of it all
end us all but
Lost inside,
still searching
but it it's here
it'll never
be here

Clock always ticks out of time when I'm Brave

The sorrow comes like
a nightingale with wings
gold and blue, I could
see the medals of what
honor should be, I still
see a friend, I'm closest
just feet away
muscles twitch and
feel the disrupt
but I'm kept here
silent and alone
can't reach that
hand I want to
when I can
because
ordinary is
ordinary
right? right?
Another waste
of time I have
I say hey, hey
try but I sing
alone to the
nearest tune
and regret hits
me just fucking
bounces off
because I
realize I
don't fucking
care about
anything or
anyone
I tread on
social terms
just a lie that
I can't do again
I only can spit
honest words
social barricade
it seems,seems
lingers in the
vessels

Aubrn beating Miss St. 17-14....

Shiner, oh shiner
you make my 
life brighter
for now but 
later I might
fall down
but I know
Shiner, oh shiner
you'll be there
to pick me up
win or lose
Oh shiner, we
grab hands
and are friends
again, oh
shinerrrrrrrrr

SAY FUCK YEAH TO SHINER BEER! WHOOT MOTHER FUCKERS WHOOT!

9.9

Steel touches tongue
Silver reflections,
from trickles of
dim moonlight
Pale flesh, veins
pattern life lines
flickering heart beat
pit, pit, patter, patter
You are a shade of
white I can't paint
fingers around neck
Drumming of a
timeless beat pulse
Predatory fears
perform around us
Electric moonlight
shoes amethyst
shadows flowing
within the winds
grip, graps and
mother natures
natural way
You know us
too well to
let us slip
exile us

Don't know why

Today the clouds paint
despair in the air, lost
and found I am now,
to the emptiness with
lonely dreams, mass
murder funerals, lies
we're told makes me
so whole, forgotten
my name because
that's where my
self-esteem draws
that invisible line
Every dream I've
dreamed became
an illusion shattered
A magic act that
buries my happiness
and leaves me sad
only friends for me
come in bottles of
black shades and
I'm here once again
Don't remember how
Don't remember why
Don't even remember
my own name, all
worthless word and
dreams engaging
I'll be ok to what's
really in my head
suicide sensations
like never seen
Like you'll never
know or understand

Spiderman Shattered Dimensions Review

Spiderman Shattered dimensions is all in all fun to play. To me it’s the best in a long line of failures in the past. However, they haven’t quit mastered the formula. If you are a spidey fan you should definitely pick this up though.  I caught myself actually feeling like I was actually in a comic universe, especially with the Amazing and Ultimate story arcs. The battle system is worth while going after mastery and the upgrades are exciting to use. This system was very well built by the development team.

I’m assuming if you are reading this you are interested in the game so I’ll spare the details. Either way, you have four different spiderman universes. All of these universes do feel completely different. From the styles and gameplay this was a nice achievement. Unfortunately, there are some issues I had with a few of them so I’ll break it down.

Amazing
I’m an old school spidey fan so I honestly do love this universe anyway. This is the main style that I truly felt like I was in living comic. The highlight was definitely the sandman stage but all are quite fun. Neil Patrick Harris does a great job as the voice of spidey. Unfortunately, with all the universes, the dialogue get’s rather repetitive which got annoying as hell at times.  There are some great boss battles here so I won’t spoil it for you. I really enjoyed this part of the game.

Noir
This was the most intriguing universe and probably what got me so curious of the game. The style it’s in is truly a dark shadow environment that works. This part of the story did fit to it’s style and I really enjoyed it visually. Unfortunately, having spidey have to use stealth failed. I believe the idea would have worked if they had spent more time. It gets a bit frustrating and sometimes it seems it doesn’t work at all. Camera angles(Biggest problem throughout the game) was nearly a game killer for me at times. You get through it but I’d say there a certain frustration level to this. It could have been better.

2099
The world is quite colorful and a nice change from the other universes. Sometimes this simply fell short of mind blowing to me though. If the game wasn’t as linear I might have had nicer things to say. There was a lot of falls(halo jumps) and to me that just took me out of the spidey universe. I admit I did have fun while playing most of 2099 series and I did love how spidey felt. There just seemed to be some redundancy here that made me want to rush through and get through it. The bosses here are the weakest in my opinion. Again, not a game breaker but it just didn’t completely sell me.

Ultimate
I remember anxiously waiting to hear the all of the dimensions. When I heard ultimate I almost gave up on the game period. However, this had some of my favorite gameplay and bosses. The treated the black suit with respect and made it work with all the mechanics. Visually, if you know the ultimate universe, you’ll see exactly that. These sections had some of the most intense part of the games. I was actually extremely happy how the carnage action happened except for a few items I’ll name later. Fun, fun, stuff.

Overall, I had a blast playing through. It took me around 12 hours and I could go through it again. Nothing was that big of a game breaker except the Noir stealth.  It’s a system that reminded me of Batman: Arkham Asylum but failed to accomplish that big task. This is where the game falls the shortest in my opinion. It was a momentum breaker that actually got under my skin a bit. Also there is a First person view on nearly all the bosses where you dodge and punch with your analog sticks. Sometimes it felt right but most time it felt awkward. Does it belong in a spiderman game? I’d have a hard time saying so.

Another minor annoyance was sometimes the characters spoke but mouths didn’t move. Not sure what happened here but with this and the stealth system I feel like they got rushed. With another 6 months or a years of development time I think this could have been perfection. The voice acting is great especially Neil Patrick Harris but they seemed to get extremely repetitive at times. The music was good but not great. I’d say it has a high replay value if you are a huge spidey fan. There are also plenty of “emblems” to collect and the leveling up is quite fun. Also seeing the different costumes adds to the fun as well.  While not perfect, if you are a spiderman fan you’ll want to play this. If not, check it out and see what you think.

8.2 out of 10

Static

I'm floating above this flesh

star dates to rotting planets

Absorbed in the reflections

and haunted by the undead

Static photographs plague

to weigh be down, down

to that abyss, that sound

Static twitch and I'm again

wishing the bluest of blues

Supernova blankets 

where I hide in bliss 

Everything looks better 

from Thirty three million

miles,So far away, away

from the infectious 

air below, corruption

from technology, trust

me, don't trust me, 

You should trust

the government, one

world coming down

faster than those

two towers, explosives

or missile blast, hammer

to nail to skull, I am

now is flesh rotting 

at thirty years in and

Blood lust fuck, drip

down my chin with

a metallic taste, 

I'm obsessed with

obsession but doesn't

mean I don't love you

This failing over and

over, top to bottom

Everest like event

has swept me away

Quote of the night

‎"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett

Surprisingly long dreams with odds twists last night. I suppose my head might be getting ready for dexter because I was doing some stalking/slashing. I have these dreams sometimes and they are quite hard for me to interpret. It seems like it's something in me, in the abyss, that wants to rise up and rage out. Guess it all comes down to consequences.

My head has been in sort of a blender of phases lately. As continue to stay numb along this journey and wish for things I probably fucked up enough never to deserve. It frightens me to know what my soul is filling up in that space though. It seems children and white picket fences has turned to sharp blades, guns and bloodshed. Paranoia has always gotten the best of me but it seems things are coming true. My nightmares are just a war zone training for some worse fate than I can know. 

Good news, Stone Sour and Interpol has new albums this week. 

Song of the morning...

One more Day by 10 years


The walls are closing in around us 
We hold our silence like a gun 
Your stare is empty and a scene that keeps repeating 
And I just bite my tongue 

They can't take this away, it's far from over 
We can't stay in a place we don't belong 
For one more day, I'm not afraid to fall 
For one more day, we try to save it all 

Footsteps will fade away the memories 
Unload the words and breathe again 
Our eyes are focused on unexplored horizon 
At what has always been 

They can't take this away, it's far from over 
We can't stay in a place we don't belong 
For one more day, I'm not afraid to fall 

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/one-more-day-lyrics-10-years.html ]

For one more day, we try to save it all 

I won't let you look back 
If you will help me see clearly 

They can't take this away, it's far from over 
We can't stay in a place we don't belong 
For one more day, I'm not afraid to fall 
(Far from over) 
For one more day, we try to save it all 
(They can't take this away, it's far from over) 
For one more day, I'm not afraid to fall 
(We can't stay in a place we don't belong) 
For one more day, we try to save it all 
(They can't take this away, it's far from over)