10.31.10

Winter is coming 33 minutes according to my perception. My holiday is over and falling every day is coming too soon. That wicked icy blue takes sea takes me into that storm every year. I apologize, pacify and I'm usually blacked out in an alcoholic bliss. I missed that tonight. I think I miss Hallow's eve all together with the puzzle in my head and the fractured heart I survive.

It's all blue streaks and memories from here till I shed another coat. It's hoping to score meds, pills or get me byes I survive. It's just hope I sleep more than not, I dissatisfy than appear or simply sleep more than I am out with your all. I blink an eye and I know who keeps me company. Once again, that time of year,just hit so much harder. Maybe that's what's getting old is all about.

10.23.10

Been quieter these weeks

turning pages in my head

with the most screams 

since I've been a kid

and I'm falling, failing

myself again today

I tried hope but it's

side-effect's are too 

strong for me to live

I quit breathing, choke

on the water of life

May I dissatisfy again

So far away, I pretend

that I'm somewhere else

but my head is aching 

mini hurricanes day by

day and I'm still trying

but silent am I, mist

blows off my forehead

in the depths of night

just want to be alone

away, far away from

all of this, you and me

these voices I hear

haven't been nearest

to me for eternities

 

10.15.10

I that face tonight
blink daydream
nightmare, sincere
dopamine drip
and it all comes
flooding in again
burns and scars
aches, pains and
echoes whispering
Falling into that
ever light, another
sight and I'm gone
Trembling fingers
scrape paper cut
skin, vastness I
can only dream
angel wing snaps
my soul of twigs
can't hold anymore

10.13.10

I love the spirits of youthfulness. I miss that fire and ability to say fuck it, I'm going to do something. I'm not sure when all that changed for me but it's not there. I vowed to myself ages ago I'd never get apathetic but when you have a dagger at your throat there isn't much to do. Maybe, just maybe, the youth will make a good life for themselves. I just can't see this world working to better itself. I can't see that  changing anytime in my lifetime.

Kindred

Torn bones protrude
in the bloody wounds
on my shoulder blades
A nightmare of lapse
an unbecoming, a
evolution of the next
bastardly cycle that
ends and beings
with your haunting
Still hold the noose
so close to my
decaying heart(love)
A whisper of you
from gentle night
terror false sight
Flickering lights
from projected
past lives and
false prides
heroes dying
ataxic souls
kindred

10.8.10

I've spent too many years faking what's normal to society, family, friends, etc and I'm fucking tired of it. I know it's hard for people to except this fact. I understand that's it's the norm but honestly I could give a fuck less nowadays. I spent so many years terrified, being put down, being told who I am, what I am, what I've got and what makes me me that it's not worth the stress....from anyone. I walk on a fragile line everyday and I just can't deal with the same bullshit I've already spent OVER half my life trying to fix,change,hide, medicate, or renovate.

I've tried all I can and it never works. It also never works when it comes up in casual conversation, in my face or subtle hints of oh that's not right. This is right. I don't live in that black and white of world and I wish you all could understand that. It isn't worth me taking a chance stepping outside of this shell I've built. When it's worth it again I will know it. Until then, just let me live my life. It's mine.

Absolution

For seconds grace 

filled time in the

moonlit nightfall

I laid waiting

and you showed

hearts synced

breathes at our

rhythm that I

can't seem to

fall asleep 

without or want

to rest without

So far away

I'm so far gone

you wouldn't

recognize this

mess I am 

nowadays

A brief peace

came under

moon light

playful fall

but only to

wake to

reflections

of reality

Burns, pain

and wounds

is all I am

all I'm worth

all I'm here

for it seems

absolution

10.4.10

I'd look you in the eye
just to say I'm fine
but it's only a lie
you'd say, you know
and I'm falling
off this edge,glow
that you give me
lit the way and
now only the dark
selling my soul
every chance mark
sniper's eye can
target this broken
heart and faith
leaving me frozen
A place in time
I thought I'd be
just fine, just ok
but I've seen
I've seen, the light
and there's no
coming back
blurry sight
minds eye
closes eternally

quote of the night

“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.” - Doug Stanhope