FML

Fuck. I should have listened to my gut. I am not a fucking social being. I am not even sure I am a fucking human being. I haven't had a storm of wrath  mixed with panic is a very long time. Sweat pouring from my palms and I all see is the place going up in flames. Or me with a fucking gun. Fuck all the bullshit normal people have to go through. Today I'd much rather be fucking dead than to deal with any of this shit. Fuck my life. Listen to your gut before you try to do something YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T.

Voro

Shadows set to devour
Sickening innocents
This plague is not
just my own, it seems
it's clearer than that
crystal I used to
see you decades ago
The petrification sets
Snapped my finger
bone to break, tissue
hanging from bone
A rage swelling like
a nose on a clown
Blood drips from
wrist to elbow, let's
wipe it clean and
rinse, repeat and
fuck it all again
Shadows cover
up the overcast
skies above, my
anger lost, in
this, this this, a
fucking death
sentence you gave
me hours ago

Clean

Quietly sitting
anticipation
between the
placebo and
truth, the lies
this delicate
heart on
those thin
razor wires
I've drawn
myself, just
myself left
and I'll
rip the sky
apart for
a fix, a
fucking
belief
of anything
of you
Patience
runs silent
echoes
in my
glass mind
placebos
in between
art and
deception

Untitled

Honesty comes between some stage between over does and the fog. It's hard to tell the difference these days. While I continue to focus on being a better human this disease strikes swiftly. The shadows seem to fade and the crickets low hum buzz. No one listens but I never speak. Honesty came and I'm sleep deprived, worn and numb.

It's day five and I'll sympathize with my other self. I feel like I'm wiping away you in the fog in the mirror. One step closer, one leap of faith further and I'm following. Following this dim light to the end. End or beginning it's hard to see.

I felt my heart beat for the first time in years and I'm still falling. The drums vicious desire to heal is obscene.It'll be ok. A self help pep talk and hiding the scars. I'll keep my head down till my eyes have life again.

Untitled

Fire starts a line
blades cuts the
delicate flesh
between the
hand grenades
napalm fades
while we all
fucking fall
apart, skin
from bone,
tissue from
body we
all fucking
fade away
fuck it all
and I'd burn
myself again
if it meant a
god damn
nothing does
everything
false, lies
we're taught
teachers slash
preachers and
politicians, take
cut and we're
propaganda
Fuck you all
and fuck this
all, fuck it
till she bleeds
away, this
mother, this
saint, fuck it
till she sheds
and chokes
on her own
blood now

Handshakes with Mr. Daniels on a Thursday

Well, it's seven p.m. and I'm three drinks in. I can feel some of the anxiety leaving, not that drinking is an answer. I'm sure at some point tonight I will do or say something stupid. However, given the options of what starts tomorrow, I only feel this appropriate. Also I might not be able to drink for a week or two depending on how sick these meds made me before. Not extremely happy about that currently but I will listen to the doc. Or at least try to. 

I feel like my whole life was supposed to be something good, something happy, something else even? Not that I've had a bad life or anything like that. I've had a good one. It's been tough, hard to explain and I do a lot of fucking up. It's so easy to blame my head or whatever but I despise that being a reason for anything. So I tend to go into these spirals or tendencies that don't treat me well or others well. Most days I still think I'd be better off on that deserted island. Alone is where I can't hurt anyone. It's become a very natural thing to me.

Sort of odd it seems that booze is my relaxant and my crushing factor. Maybe that's how it goes with alcoholics. Maybe it's how it goes with all of us with some disorder or another. My alcohol maybe your cleaning or tv or food or whatever the fuck we want to do. Does it get better? I don't know. I know I gave up on love and sure as hell know it exists now. How not to fuck that up and get better? I have no answers now.

Days in Rant

So plan A failed to get me into some sort of more normal state. In fact, it went awful wrong on a lot of different levels. I haven't felt as depressed and shitty in long time due to that change up. Now I'm onto plan B and after days in, I feel about the same before I switched in the first place. I still a need to climb up the walls at times and I'm starting to wonder if anything could even help.

I guess it's a little early to say such but changing up meds has always sucked for me. It's been fine but it's still not where I want to be. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me. Maybe I'll always be that socially awkward kid and never get better. It just pisses me of because that leads to not wanting to leave, wanting to do things I can't and it just brings me down.

Anyway, just thoughts and rants. Just wish I could fast forward to a time when all things were ok. If not, just figure this shit out myself. That seems to be the case of what's going to have to happen. Ugh. Now I'm seeing to fight between distraction and a million thoughts a minute. I guess that is probably half the speed than normal though.

Pass me a bottle Mr. Jones...

Happy 4:20!

Shroud-ing all the ground around me
Is this holy crow above me.
Black as holes within a memory
And blue as our new second sun.
I stick my hand into his shadow
To pull the pieces from the sand.
Which I attempt to reassemble
To see just who I might have been.
I do not recognize the vessel,
But the eyes seem so familiar.
Like phosphorescent desert buttons
Singing one familiar song...

Slip

Further, further, spiraling down
till my stomach turns and time
falls onto stained glass ground
Faltering and failing in this bliss
A secondary, an offensive
pause to touch, memory false
I've slipped into this state
of blues and whites, a faint
gray of my heart beat lights
the walls, slowing, slowing
while the blood drip waterfall
echoes through this space
a shard trips over skin to
these veins carrying disease
A disease that lives in
these aching bones, residing
in my own feverish hell
I'll place this desire, this
lust aside, to rest, to sleep
to forever vanish into
this forever granite steps

Stained Blurred Clarity

I've got this shaky hand
twitch of an eye thing
scares me into being
that other self I know
I've got addictions mind
playing with the clock
Passing time with
a sweat palm reading
from my ghost to be
Clarity to see between
the beauty of a breath
this lost religion I've
held so close, like the
ark of my own mind
never wanted to be
a martyr, a saint
or even an angel
just normal,
a human
for once

Restrain

I've got this rage
flowing in veins
I comprehend
so little, all these
years with me
All these years
trying to be
myself seems
to be slipping
further away
Karmic reality
Genetic destiny
I wish I was
safe and in
her arms but
I'm far away
with my, my
obsession
I fucking hate
needing you
It seems to
fade when
I see you
smile, here
an I love you
or anything
else and I
just don't
want to
fuck this up
This soul
screams terror
like a serial
killer slitting
a trophy off
a victim and
I'm already
saying I
fucked it up
I just want
to be better
so fucking
better that
deserved
who you are
Love you
more than
words can
say, love
you more
than this
existence
Restrain

Pins,Needles and Paranoia

Should have known better
no undertow taking me
down to that place
That swelling fever
imagination bleeds to
nightmares of twitches
remorseful I am, I will
always be of who I am
Never good enough
just some fucking soul
that wants to sit in this
corner of safety I
sometimes have
Should have know better
Good enough, I'll never
stand tall enough, strong
enough to be who I
want to be inside
Lack of air hits my
forehead, burns this
forehead as thoughts
churn out like some
factory of fuck ups
Sweaty palms, choked
throat and heart cries
to explode into pieces
My head, never good
enough, never will be
good enough for
any of this, feel the
wounds on my arm
self abusive mascaraed
Now I just want to
burn this flesh again
cut this skin again
to let me breathe

4.8.11

Sideswiped, waiting
for ambulances
nauseated by
disease creeping
through these
quivering veins
One relapse
and I'm back
home, in this
iron cage, steel
mask with three
slits to breathe
Suffocate on
the sins of
others while
I pass into the
other realm
Eyes blackened
I'm sickened
pick at these
scabs of me
Scalpel the skin
where my heart
rests, decaying
blackened, dying
I'm passing into
that other realm

Fear between proverbial lines

Lately, I've been having a hard time allowing myself to be happy. Allowing myself to drop walls again. I'm doing a better job lately. I've become too used to the idea that I really have no hope for the life I want. It's hard letting that go after telling yourself for the past few years. Now that I do it does I have all these emotions. I need to write, take photos, achieve some sort of social normality and hell, I even wanted to pick up the guitar again. It's an odd rush of excitement but deep down it all scares me.

Shedding skin for the countless time again and being hopeful. It's hard for me. Hell, it's hard to write everything out because my synapses fire so disorganized. I know something could be good. So, I kind of run to the closest thing I have to rid myself of those shadows. Those you can't, you won't, those negative thoughts that creep into an already fractured mind. Music and writing are my languages.

I hate to make people feel uncomfortable. I hate that this is part of me. So again, I apologize to any friends out there. I am dreaming again, wanting to create again and have some passion I'm not even sure I've ever had. I can barely breathe it's all so overwhelming lately. Good, hell, GREAT, but it's overwhelming. Jack Daniels is my friend tonight. I call it the hopeless artist/romantic curse but tonight, I just need to be.

I know, it seems all poor me and I try not to do this. Why I usually put on face paint for the amusement of all. This entertaining cat with some sort of heart but all those mirrors shattered. I'm picking up the pieces and don't feel like masking myself tonight. Much peace, love and happiness to you all.  

Nietzsche said "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man." That's been a philosophy of mine for too god damned long. I just want to be me tonight without freaking out during the witching hours.

Cheers!

Fluttery Heart Syndrome

Feverish head sinking today
Lost between the words
I want to say but fear
of pushing you away
My flaws consume my
very veins on days
where I'd rather hide
and stay away, not
wanting you to see
this awkward kid
I still have inside
Blues to grays fit
my tone all day
Trying to breathe,
trying to recover
but you're teaching
me how to be me
all over again, us
a connection built
in mystery, we
still trying to learn
You're forever eyes
even from a picture
Changes my day
makes the night
a little brighter
and butterflies
flutter through
my soul, my
heart fluttering
a light speed
caught between
You, my star
my hope, my
forever love
Thank you

Pulse

Electric pulse goosebumps
back in time, a solar wind
blowing these sails of time
Rehearse faces that even
I don't recognize anymore

So long, so gone, I'm
sorry I'm floating away
through space, through
time and this light
is taking me any day

Pulse surges back heart
lungs fill and a hesitating
patience of teary eye lids
flickering the dimensions
I don't recognize anymore

So long, so gone, I'm 

sorry I'm floating away

through space, through

time and this light

is taking me any day

rant.

I really wish I could snap out of this odd somber place I've been in for a while now. Now sure what the issues is but I dislike it. Of course, it doesn't help when I think I could use a jack and coke right now. I've got to shake whatever shadow is on me right now. I'm not very fond of it. Eek. Rant over.

I've still got that anxiety from last week coming and going too.  I feel out of allignment, out of range but still the most grounded in some areas. Blech. Over-analyzing myself is probably not helping matters much either. Anyway, suppose it is a monday.

Untitled

Sunlight I'd blame

for my drop

deeper into

my heat I go

Becoming who

I am when I'm

going to run 

till my lungs 

collapse, let

this world

slip through

my fingers

I'd give up

if I knew 

how again

I'd cry

if I could

without

alcohol

In mirrors

I face my

enemy

Waiting 

for these

shadows

to engulf

my soul

Untitled

I'd bleed it on page

if I could show you

how these words

are how I breathe
Miles apart but

I still feel your

heart beat next

to mine at night

moonlight shining

a hopeful future

Front porch swing

years of day dreams

Love true forever

and ever, ahead

of myself I get

I realize and try

to organize these

present, future

pictures into 

a reality, fear 

tucked away

into that lump

in my throat

Bleeding onto

this notebook

These words

I hope you'll

believe soon

In Jesus name

I always feel like a piece of shit when I let go like I did today. I freak out over anything, every little thing, because I am the fucking black sheep. I am the one my parents say I'm so fucking proud of but I'm none of that....I am a fuck up, black sheep, drug abuse, son I've always been. I am my half brother, I am my grandmother that none of you gave a shit about.

I am me. I'm a failure, I am not who I want to be, I am different people depending on clouds and I cry because I'm in love. It's all I have left. I know it's not right, it's scary and it's obsessive but it's the only soul I believe in loving. I'm scared as hell but its' all I have. I'll faint, I'll cry, I'll die too young and that's all I have. I burn myself to feel alive cause I never felt loved. I pray to not break this, fuck this up, all I have.

Break a needle in my favorite spot

I am this fool
believing in
some stars
and some
god damn
word love
I prevail
in my days
my guards,
my archers
my instincts
are where I
want to be
drunken fool
I'll always be
life, belief
I just want
your breath
before I die
Pause, fast
forward and
we talk, talk
type, type
our lives away

Trepidation

I fucking hate when I can't be normal about stuff. One little fucking thing and I want to go into embryonic position. I always thought I'd get better about anxieties that shouldn't mean anything. Nothing ever seems to take that part of me away. It's a part of myself I'd fucking cut out on my own if I could. I hate being a nervous anxious ball of fucking energy over NOTHING. It irks me to no end and I seriously hate this part of myself. I, of course, fucking start this shit up when I pick a weekend to not drink. Now it's all I want to do just to calm the fuck down. This fever inside just creeps up out of no where and I'm shackled with the shakes. Shackled with horrible thoughts. Shackled to a weight that seems to want to drag my soul so far down I'll never see it again. UGH.

AmethystVenom's #Crysis 2 Review(PS3)

I did not get a chance to play Crysis but was interested in Crysis 2. I was a bit hesitant at first but it seemed to have a lot of “fun” factor. Today I was finally able to finish to campaign. There are some reasons for the delay I will go into further though. I'll just say it up front though, if you want to be a kick ass soldier in a kick ass nanosuit check this one out.

I am only familiar with the first game through articles. Crysis 2 starts out 3 years after the first game in New York City. It is the year 2023 and there has been an alien invasion. These aliens are called the Ceph or as I'll always refer to them, those squid mother fuckers. I'll admit the story had some holes and honestly wasn't any sort of blockbuster. However, it doesn't matter because the game is “mostly” so fun to play.

Everyone has spoken about the graphics and how amazing they are. It is true. It's a gorgeous game and the New York here is certainly special. The details, lighting and areas are gorgeous. I keep getting asked the big question, better than killzone 3? I honestly can't prefer one over the other in graphics. We'll just say they hold their own in the graphics department. There are some unfortunate screen tearing which I'm assuming they will patch. This is nothing game breaking.

The gameplay is what makes this game come alive. Your nano suit is basically a near limitless weapon that you can customize to however you like to play. I must say most of the game I had to go through stealth although I'm a run and gunner. It's challenging but nearly all of gameplay was a blast. The controls are fluid and this is by far one of my favorite HUDs in any game. Thankfully the HUD even crosses over into multiplayer which I'll go into later.

The campaign honestly lacks much story. The dialogue honestly feels a little tired and really just seemed like filler. If you can forgive the story though, there is true greatness to this game on the gameplay level, different ways to approach situations and it's deserving of multiple play throughs. Who doesn't like being a kick ass soldier in nanosuit 2.0? I mean, try it on. It definitely fit for me. A game stopping bug did hold me back for a few days. EA's support was horrible as usual but finally after other attempts and suggestions. It seems if you get stuck after defeating a pinger, just restart the chapter. With that out of the way, the A.I. I felt could have been better.

It seems the development team went for details and got 98% of this game to perfection. However, with the a npcs running in place against walls it does take it down a notch. I hope there is a resolution and tweaks to the AI one day. I doubt that will happen but it far from ruined my experience with Crysis 2. If you are about fun factor, slick controls, a game that looks great and kicking ass I doubt you will be let down.

Yet another great thing is the Crysis 2 multiplayer. It is a blast to play, ugprade and use many different strategies to take down your opponents. I love the twists on the normal multiplayer fps modes. You have your normal team based and solo death matches. You have a capture and hold type game(Crash Site) where an alien craft comes and shoots down a pod where your team have to control it. I'm loving this mode. There is also a capture the falg(capture the relay), extraction(teams try to steal tanks) and assault(One team tries to obtain data terminals and the other team must defend). Killzone 3 also took a big hit due to the lack of maps. Not worry on Crysis 2, it comes with a whopping 12 maps! For the most part all put together extremely well.

Big question, so buy it or not? Buy it if this interested you at all. I see myself playing not only the campaign a few times through but multiplayer for hours. There is a bit of a learning curve but don't be afraid to jump in. It gets more and more fun as you level up. The multiplayer fits in well with the feel of the game and I think Crytek did an amaing job. It has some faults but they are extremely easy to look over. This is a must have title in 2011. Now, go, save New York and crush some squid soldier!

9.0 out of 10