fragile

Hit a stride at a regular life
shaking hands and saying
hello to anyone with a smile
Darker souls have infected
my fear turning quicker than
turbines of jets, my circuits
exposed, burns ignored
I'm slipping away and
don't have a grip to start
stranded without a signal
I could send to the stars
All alone in this abyss
where the echoes play
and the shadows bend
to the sounds of the
bleeding intestines of
my holiest keeper

7.29.09

Almost my next pill
been up ever since
my fault, my ways
my liars daydreams
The sun peaks through
the color pencil skies
greys shaded right
to left, black shaded
up to down and I'm
sitting here, waiting
for them to go away
two o clock, tiny
pill swallowed and
hope normalcy
returns, enters or
just leaves me
to my old ways

"The Happiest Day" by Poe

Edgar Allan Poe

"The Happiest Day"

The happiest day -- the happiest hour
        My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,
      The highest hope of pride and power,
        I feel hath flown.

      Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;
        But they have vanish'd long, alas!
      The visions of my youth have been-
        But let them pass.

      And, pride, what have I now with thee?
        Another brow may even inherit
      The venom thou hast pour'd on me
        Be still, my spirit!

      The happiest day -- the happiest hour
        Mine eyes shall see -- have ever seen,
      The brightest glance of pride and power,
        I feel- have been:

      But were that hope of pride and power
        Now offer'd with the pain
      Even then I felt -- that brightest hour
        I would not live again:

      For on its wing was dark alloy,
        And, as it flutter'd -- fell
      An essence -- powerful to destroy
        A soul that knew it well.

The Conqueror Worm by Edgar Allan Poe

The Conqueror Worm

by Edgar Allan Poe
(published 1843)

  

Lo! 'tis a gala night
   Within the lonesome latter years!
An angel throng, bewinged, bedight
   In veils, and drowned in tears,
Sit in a theatre, to see
   A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
   The music of the spheres.
Mimes, in the form of God on high,
   Mutter and mumble low,
And hither and thither fly-
   Mere puppets they, who come and go
At bidding of vast formless things
   That shift the scenery to and fro,
Flapping from out their Condor wings
   Invisible Woe!

That motley drama- oh, be sure
   It shall not be forgot!
With its Phantom chased for evermore,
   By a crowd that seize it not,
Through a circle that ever returneth in
   To the self-same spot,
And much of Madness, and more of Sin,
   And Horror the soul of the plot.

But see, amid the mimic rout
   A crawling shape intrude!
A blood-red thing that writhes from out
   The scenic solitude!
It writhes!- it writhes!- with mortal pangs
   The mimes become its food,
And seraphs sob at vermin fangs
   In human gore imbued.

Out- out are the lights- out all!
   And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
   Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
   Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
   And its hero the Conqueror Worm. 

Synapse

Body melt head spin
falling into the abyss
It's be ok, It's be
fine, everything
in it's phase and
time, the wind
blows cool
to the skin
and muscles
numb to relax
to relax, to
relax while
the thunder
climbs through
the head, synapse
collaboration, brain
trait, brain bath
Collapse

NSFW ADULT ONLY THIS SHOULD BE ON AMERICAS GOT TALENT

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Ruiner

Judgement from another
truth be told, i could
usually let this bounce
and fall off like another
ignorant word but it's
affected, changed,
A ruiner in tiny words
Not knowing me and
you through your
cautious judgments
to me, turn the page
and I want to see
under your skin
deep within your
tissue to see who
you are, judge you
but I'm not like you

Crumbling

This anxiety crumbles
before me, between
the ups and downs
While this creeping
depression disease
keeps pulling me
drowning me and
sinking me into
the insecure waters
My lighthouse in
the fog is dimmer
and dimmer while
I collapse a lung
Trying to breathe
isnt' so easy today
trying to  be isn't
so befitting of me
lately, but I try
and fail, fail and
fall again, asking
why could anyone
really love me

Congrats to our USA soccer women!

The women's world cup has been amazing this year. The brazil game was nail biting, we took out france. Now it's on to play Sweden or Japan. I can't wait!

ranbling

I love you more than the moon and stars and planets. I love your eyes, your beautiful smile, the twinkle in your eyes, and the life you breathe into me. You are so full of love, caring, life, excitmenet that's it's hard to not talk to you days. I'm sorry if I'm a bit obsessive but that's how it is. When you're in my arms falling asleep it was the most tranquility I've ever felt. You move mountains for me angel and I want to move mountains for you. I want to be a better person. Your beauty inspires me, your intellect intimidates me(you are one smart cookie) and your emptathy will be something I always desire. I love you. I really wanted to say this. IT's jumbled and not poetic but I wanted to let you know. I love you.

Fathom

Fallen into a relapse
between happy
and insecureness
It seems so easy
You tell me it's
so god damned
easy but it's not
Bloody fingertips
Got these scars
to remind me
that not everything
is just ok, not
everything can
be ignored like
people think
I pray to my
angels and
sometimes,
just sometimes
those shadows
still talk to me
Paranoid desires
and my heart is
a million miles
from here, so
fucking far from
here, just want
to sleep it off
Just want to
break myself
into two, this
shell cracked
reality I'm based
on, shedding skin
once again, ripping
this cocoon off me
to be again, just
to fucking be
once and for all

Untitled

A fluttered heart
between these
butterflies and
beats shared with
a green eyed
goddess, shake
from a touch and
I'm flown away
from this land
IT's just you
and me honey
flying away through
the clies of this
night sky, embraced
and breathing in each
others tune, a love
that time is getting
caught up on, an
eternal passion
set a blaze, gazing
int your beautiful
eyes that I now
dream off, embraced
and breathing in
each other's tune,
heartbeats play
tune to our sighs
I'll love you forever

Through the Stars

Soaring, between sad
and love, between
the love of my life
happened to appear
angelic beauty, love
humbles me to my
knees, makes me
feel alive once again
makes me feel, I'm
a man again, my
best friend, love,
angel wings hold me
all day, all night and
she's here with me
as I sleep, in dreams
together and forever
My heart beats a fragile
rhythm of hers, one and
forever, I'll always love
her soaring hand in hand
through our own stars

Irrationality

I got to spent the 29-2 this July with my honey. It was quite magikal although a lot of sleeping went on. We got out to do somethings as well. I seriously missed being couple and cuddling with someone that felt so absolute right. It was echanting, surreal and otherworldly given how this came to be. I was in a seriously awesome place.

Yesterday was chill and good minus her leaving to head home. I know I'm like this but I get sad then some technical issues came out today. I went on my irrationally scared what the fuck did I do wrong tantrum and went to sad in no time. Still working on it and we've cleared it all up now. Just reminds me of how sometimes something so insignificant can fly me into a paranoid trap within myself and I hate it. Yes, codependency is sort of me.

So now it's self medicate, pills and booze, hoping I have enough to maintain till I at least get this is off my dwelling mind. It's so silly when I think about it but my insecurities seem to be at a very high point. Whereas they shouldn't be after this beautiful weekend with her. I feel like my crazy is vaguely under control again. I have a group of cats sitting my me on my living room taking care of me. They are all my nurses I think.

Anyway, wonderful week over till today over a glitch. I guess. Still confused at what happened to be honest and I still feel a need to pass it. So some benzos and sailor jerry is the rx today. Blech.

Signed, the clumsy codependent