Accustomed to letting people down

This reclusive I've become is  part of me. I sit here again after not going to somewhere I said I would. The anxiety started swelling inside yesterday and now I'm choking on the regret. That lump in my throat and shaking that I've gotten so accustomed too. It used to be take it month by month, then day by day but lately it's been taking it hour by hour. 

I'm honestly not so sure what's so different. I've always felt as some sort of metaphysical clock has been ticking for me. I thought that was over but it surely doesn't feel like that today. I try to be a good friend but something always tends to fuck that up for me. It's not a complaint, I know it's inside me but I can't do a thing about it. It's ruined my life in so many ways I have to ask why the fuck am I here most days?